America has an atheist problem. In 1987, then Vice President George H. W. Bush said in response to a question about atheists, “No, I don’t know that atheists should be considered as citizens, nor should they be considered patriots. This is one nation under God.” I find this a little alarming considering he went on to become president of the United States. But this would be 20 years ago. Surely things have changed?
Wrestlemania 28 is old news. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (I have a feeling that most people still just call him The Rock) is back to Hollywood (although he swears Wrestlemania 28 will not be the last time we see him in a World Wrestling Entertainment ring) to star in more mediocre action movies.
After years of word-of-mouth cult-fandom, Ferrari, the Dutch pop band with the Italian name, is finally getting its critical and popular due. As evidence of this, the first International Ferrari (Not the Car) Fest will be held Saturday March 31 at gazebo 2b in Garfield Park, South Pasadena. I’m truly looking forward to meeting Ferrari fans from around the world and I have a whole slate of exciting events planned.
Hey, thanks for inviting me over to hang out for a bit. You know, when you live in the big city it can be hard to meet people with similar interests. I’m just a man of simple pleasures, as they say. Really, all I need for a nice evening is some good music, a comfortable chair, and perhaps a nice cup of coffee. You know what I’m talking about?
Okay, ladies and gentlemen, I have to come clean here. In the ego-less world of the knock knock joke community, we tend to go by our “knocknames” rather than our real names, but I have something important to say and I need to say it as myself, Lawrence von Haelstrom. Here it is: I am Cargo.
HUMORBulldoze the Community Center!Lawrence Von Haelstrom
Hello and welcome, ladies and gentlemen. I know you’re here for one reason and one reason only. You want to get rich, right?! You want to get rich, and you’re here to learn my secret. And my secret to personal wealth is, you know what it is, say it with me: “Bulldoze the community center!”
I don’t watch television. Sure, I own one, but I only use it for the occasional National Geographic DVD from the library. Maybe I’ll watch it on special occasions or when something important is happening like a national election, but I really hardly ever even turn it on. And I certainly don’t watch reality television. I don’t even know the names of any of those shows. There’s one about New Jersey, right?
Yes, I did! My two friends are going to be so psyched when I tell them about my weather balloon. I can see it now. They’ll just be sitting around in the break room. Then I’ll come in and they’ll start packing up their stuff like they always do, but this time I’ll surprise them. I’ll say something clever like, “Who has two thumbs and a weather balloon?”
As evidenced by the firing of Hank Williams Jr from Monday Night Football and the unmitigated trampling of his First Amendment rights, it has become quite apparent that the NFL has moved dangerously far to the left. In the NFL, just as in our country, one can have his liberties forsaken only because he dares to disagree with the powers that be.
It shouldn’t work. The song should collapse under the weight of earnest lyrics and guitar-hero theatrics. But Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’”, doesn’t collapse, it soars – an accidental masterpiece from a mediocre band. The song only reached #9 on the charts during its initial release, but has since become the #1 selling iTunes track of all time, thanks to its use in two of the biggest television events of the past decade.