Okay, ladies and gentlemen, I have to come clean here. In the ego-less world of the knock knock joke community, we tend to go by our “knocknames” rather than our real names, but I have something important to say and I need to say it as myself, Lawrence von Haelstrom. Here it is: I am Cargo. Yes, Cargo. As in Knock Knock/ Who’s there?/ Cargo / Cargo who? / Cargo vroom vroom. That one is mine, as well as countless others. Let me just say first that I have been in the knock knock game for a good couple of decades. I learned under the best. My friends, I learned from Banana Banana Banana Orange, the undisputed master of the game. I pay respect to my elders, and I thank Banana Banana Banana Orange for all he taught me. Some of us new to the community seem to have not learned to do that. Some of us have started showing out and calling out others. Some are announcing to the whole knock knock community that Cargo’s knock knocks are weak. You definitely know who I’m talking about now, don’t you, Octopi?

That’s right, Octopi, you said Cargo was old and stale and that I was stealing your knock knocks. You come up with one good one, the one that gave you your knockname, and suddenly you think you are in charge of the knocks-knocks? I think not, son. That is ludicrous. I’ll admit that you have one good one, and you deserve your knockname: Knock-knock / Who’s there? / Octopi / Octopi who? / Octopi Wall Street. Yes, that’s current, yes, you’re taking advantage of the connotations of your set-up word and how it relates metaphorically to your punch–that’s all good. You’re learning. But you’re not there yet. You know your other one, right?  Knock-knock/ Who’s there? / Ivana / Ivana who? / Ivana extend the Bush-era tax cuts. That is the very definition of weak. Not only did its relevance pass the moment the sun set the day you made it up, it’s not even original. That’s what we call a zipper-knock. You can zip any sort of punch into that one. Ivana drink your blood, Ivana piece of pizza, Ivana teach Octopi to respect his elders.

Now back in the day when Banana Banana Banana Orange was at his height, there were some true rivalries. There was the notorious showdown he had with Interrupting Cow. Now we both know today they were both going for the same thing–breaking down the walls of what a knock knock joke can be. They pushed each other and made each play at the top of his game. Together they opened the knock knock joke up.  But that’s not what we have here, Octopi. No, this is simple. You’re not ready yet. You will be, you have some talent, but you still need to do a lot of learning before you start calling knock-knockers out. Let me tell you a few more things: Nina is pronounced “Neena,” long e-sound. You can’t just make it be pronounced “Nine-a” to set up a Herman Cain knock knock. It just doesn’t work. Knock knocking on current events is good, but it won’t work forever. The best knocks are timeless. Don’t forget what happened to Madoff a few years back. Knock-knock/ Who’s there? / Madoff/ Madoff who? / Madoff with the money. He came up with that one and thought that that was all there was to it. But where is he now? Last I heard he was slumming in the Change-a-Lightbulb circuit.

Let me put it to you this way. I’m a brass gargoyle knocker on a solid oak door. You’re a plastic Home Depot discount bin doorbell with a loose wire. My knocks go KNOCK KNOCK and echo through the whole mansion. Yours go bzzz and the people inside say, “Was that the toaster?”

Keep learning, Octopi. You’ll get there someday. And when you do, you can thank me. In the meantime do all of us a favor and stay quiet and don’t speak until you have something to say.

For the rest of you, I apologize for this unbecoming outburst. I take my work seriously and I don’t like to see our art trivialized. Knock knock to you all.

Enough of this “Lawrence VonHaelstrom was a bull-roper” running-gag nonsense. He is none other than the greatest living knock knocker in the world.