Photo by Jared Rice on Unsplash
Benson Speaks:
Because I could not bear to think about yesterday, I watched SVU again. Benson and Stabler exacted justice in 41 minutes flat. Exasperated, I asked Olivia Benson, Why do you always obtain resolution? My patient had a seizure yesterday, and I had to tell her it was because a plum sized tumor nestled in her brain. Then another patient collapsed and woke up mute and paralyzed. A stroke might’ve been good news. His brain was filled with blood. It’s likely they will both die. And here’s where it got weird. Olivia stopped what she was doing and looked right at me. She slitted her eyes the way she does when she’s talking to a victim who’s too scared to testify. Like she’s being a bitch, but also tender. And she said, “Rachel, life is hard.” Maybe it’s because like me, her midsection had thickened, which made her seem wise. Maybe it’s because this is something I often tell my children. But I felt a small comfort and continued folding the laundry.
Stabler Speaks:
I know I should read a book, but these days, I’m just too tired. I watch SVU in the bath instead. Benson and Stabler were dealing with murdered children in the basement of a church, and Stabler wasn’t doing well because one of the children wore the same pajamas as his son. Elliott Stabler looks tough with his thick neck and feral eyes, but he hasn’t yet lost his faith. I had to ask. How do you keep on believing in God when you deal with child murderers and rapists in almost every episode? I’ve seen too much suffering. There was the pregnant mother shot in the head in a Walmart parking lot or the drunk driver who killed the Sunday school teacher and his twelve your old son. Stabler didn’t let me finish. Rachel, God is bigger than our finite understanding of him. He doesn’t owe us anything. At first, I was alarmed, I was in the bath after all. But if Stabler never cheated on his wife with Olivia Benson, I wasn’t going to flatter myself that an eyeful of my goods would affect him. He was right of course; God never owed me anything. And I sank deeper into the water and felt my shoulders relax.
Tutuola Speaks:
My kids seemed to have forgotten we just lived through a pandemic. True, they’ve only recently stopped worrying that I could die at work, but they play basketball and go to birthday parties like nothing ever happened. Why am I telling you this? I guess I’m saying that I know I should be productive and do things like grocery shop when I’m not working, but sometimes I collapse on the couch and watch SVU. Fin Tutuola rarely loses his cool, and usually keeps his sense of humor, even when he’s dealing with the mess after a woman’s throat has been slit. But he also struggles with the fact that his son is gay and he’s a Republican, so he’s capable of surprise. So when the Ukraine war started and my children started asking me where we’d hide if Russia fired nukes, it felt natural to ask him: Fin, your job is grinding, and evil is infinite. How do you get out of bed in the morning? The last few years have destroyed my faith in people, and now this war. What kind of world are we leaving my children? By now, I expected he would answer and waited for his reply. I think his eyes might’ve flicked toward mine, but he didn’t stop what he was doing. As he kneeled over yet another broken body, he muttered to Benson, That’s messed up.
Rachel Mallalieu is an emergency physician and mother of five. She writes poetry in her spare time. Rachel is the author of A History of Resurrection (Alien Buddha Press 2022). Some of her recent poetry is featured in Nelle, DIALOGIST, Westwind and Rattle. More of her work is found at rachel-mallalieu.com.
