People don’t keep a mental inventory of how much metal they’re wearing 

You’d honestly think they’d have a rough idea.  

Crowds cannot be trusted with chairs 

Have you ever noticed how the chairs on the floor level of an arena are securely fastened together? Have you ever thought there might be a reason why they make individual ones hard to pick up? There is, and it’s that people like to throw things. 

People don’t like to be confined to arbitrary blocks of color  

What are ticket levels, really? What are colors, even? Who knows, but one thing everyone knows for sure is that aisles are made for dancing. 

Few come to concerts just to hear music 

In my experience, the most common motivation is a desire to exist while high/intoxicated in a new and different environment with plenty of company. 

No one realizes how easy it would be to sneak backstage 

That unassuming stairwell near the back of the venue with the half-asleep security guard is much more accessible than the heavily guarded barricade, but I guess people like a challenge. 

B-stages will forever be mind-boggling to everyone 

It’s hard to wrap your mind around when you’re less than sober, but, yes, Dierks Bentley really is going to make his way over to that smaller stage in the middle that’s been set up the whole time. And if you grab at him on his way there, it will make it tough for him to keep playing music. 

A select few get very creative when it comes to stealing 

Sir, despite what you might have been thinking, that ticket scanner will not get you into future concerts. It’s not like an all-access pass. I cannot imagine the look on the ushers’ faces if you try to hold out a scanner for them to scan. 

Inhibitions are lowered outdoors 

Yes, people will do that in a porta-potty. Actually, you can get away with just about anything in a porta-potty because no one wants to intervene when situations are unfolding in there. 

Some famous people are actually nice 

Dolly Parton’s staff actually seemed to LIKE her. And when my venue gave her food on real dishware, she tried to WASH it. 

Everyone becomes very friendly when you get a smidgen of power 

I sure got asked by a lot of high-school acquaintances if I would please let them backstage at the “I Love the 90s” show. And therein lies the real reason you should always be nice to everyone – in case they ever get access to Vanilla Ice. 

Jessica Carney has essays published in HuffPost, Shondaland, and ManifestStation, among other outlets. She’s currently querying a book about her 15 years as an event planner and all the chaos and times plans went awry. Jessica lives in Iowa with her spouse and her dog, Lucy. Learn more at jessicacarneywriter.com