Photo by Kristopher Roller on Unsplash
“Did you know that there’s a printer factory around here?”
Nozomi poked her head up above the crowd, trying to see a better way out. But there was no way to avoid the sea of people. We were a part of it. And everyone wanted to go to the festival.
“Is that so…” I muttered, though I doubted she heard me. And even though it was so hot, and my entire body felt wet, Nozomi still never let go of my hand. It made me love and hate her all over again. At least at that moment.
When we escaped Hiratsuka Station, I really felt alive. Even though the air was still thick, I could still smell the sea and the smoke from food carts. I wanted yakisoba, while Nozomi wanted shaved ice.
Above our heads, there were paper tassels in blue and red and pink and yellow. And on them, there were words.
“Can you make my wish right now?” Nozomi suddenly said. We were walking around in circles just to look at everything. Watching other people. I didn’t know what made us so different from others that we weren’t not aware of our surroundings.
“I’m not going to make any more wishes,” I then told her. It was my new resolve that I had decided just that day.
“Why?”
“I always regret it,” I said. “I’ve never made a wish I didn’t regret. It’s ironic and annoying.”
“Even your own wishes?”
“That’s not how it works. I thought I told you.”
“Oh, that’s right.”
We walked a little more, and the sky got a little darker. There were lots of warm lights everywhere, and nobody was looking up because they weren’t expecting fireworks. I always thought it was winter around this time, or that it should’ve been winter, not July.
“Do you wish that you could make your wishes come true?” Nozomi asked.
“No,” I said. “It doesn’t matter to me.”
“What doesn’t?”
“All of it,” I said. “Everything.”
“Well, then I’ll just wish for whatever you wish for,” Nozomi said. “Then all of your wishes will come true too.”
But what would you ever do that for? I wondered then.
“Do you know what the difference is between a wish and a dream?” Nozomi then said.
I looked over at her and waited.
“Usually, people don’t pursue or try to make their wishes come true.”
Wiping the sweat from my forehead, I felt like passing out. Then jumped forward in time to when I never saw her again…it felt like that…
-
The very first wish I ever granted for someone was my mother’s. My mother’s only wish in the entire world was to become a planet. One that could not sustain life or anything or anyone. She wanted nothing more than to become a planet that had nothing on it and spun out forever into cold, dark space.
It happened very quickly. It was a nice, winter afternoon, and my mother was sitting in the living room while my father made our Sunday breakfast. And then poof! I simply wished for her wish to come true. And it just so happened that at that moment exactly, my mother wished to become the ultimate planet. She was gone in an instant.
I thought I could fix it though, as long as my father wished for her to come back, but he never did. And so it became just the two of us in our home. I never told anyone about it, or admitted what I had done.
And so I was guilty forever.
-
“People used to believe that stars were the cause of all illnesses,” Nozomi once said. “That just by the way a star was positioned in the night sky, or by even looking at one, you could become sick. However, they also believed that the opposite was true too. That the only way to heal a sickness by a star, was to use the exact thing that caused it.”
She had smiled wryly, like a fox. Her eyes crinkled.
“Another star.”
-
“If I were you, I wouldn’t grant anyone’s wish. Not even if they paid me. I wouldn’t think that they deserved it. Or am I way off?”
Hikaru sat crouched, with his back curved, leaning forward. I didn’t have the kind of balance for that, and sat on the dirty concrete I had brushed lightly with my hand.
I had never thought about it that way, but I guessed I didn’t care. Whether anyone deserved what they wished for or not, I simply granted wishes when I felt like it. It didn’t come from any careful thought or anything like that. Just from my own feelings.
“I don’t know,” I said, not wanting to bother explaining any of that.
“Funny that I’m saying that,” Hikaru said. “Right? Since you’ve granted almost all of my wishes.”
I met Hikaru in an essay writing class, and I had written all of both of our papers. The topic of the essays varied from history to writing itself. One of the essays we had been told to write was about “how to write a good essay.”
Since our first meeting in that class, he had just started following me around, and I became comfortable hanging around him. To me, our college campus felt too sleek looking, and so it was hard for me to find a place to relax. Everyone seemed impossibly busy and seemed to spend the bulk of their time studying at the cubicles in the library. For students like me and Hikaru, who just wanted to get by and had lazy work ethics, we were outcasts.
The only place we found some peace and quiet was a shrine deep in the heart of a neighborhood nearby. A bit of a walk, but worth it. Behind the shrine, was a small patch of dirt, and in the hot days, it was the coolest place to rest. Better than indoor air conditioning, Hikaru exaggerated. But it was the kind of peace you couldn’t buy. While napping, we simply sat around and drank, skipping the classes we found boring.
“Don’t you have a wish though?” Hikaru asked once, taking a swig from his cheap beer can. “One that you’d do anything for?”
I shook my head.
“Oh, come on. Won’t you tell me?”
Hikaru got like that sometimes. He would ask me questions that I felt tried to dig too deep into me. But he couldn’t help it, since it was in his personality, and only I knew that all he would get was some disappointing and hollow answer.
“I really don’t,” I said honestly. “There’s really nothing.”
He never believed me.
-
Hikaru had a lot of wishes. And although I granted a lot of them, there was always one that I could never find it in me to grant, no matter how mad at him I was. Sometimes I wanted to grant the wishes of others so that they would feel the same amount of regret I always did. But Hikaru never regretted or wished to change his wishes. He was always satisfied.
Only I knew what Hikaru really wanted. And what Hikaru most wished for, was a bomb. A bomb that could fit into the palm of his hand, and destroy the whole world.
Not even that could cause him to feel remorse. It was what I respected most about him. And what scared me the most about Hikaru.
-
The closest I’d ever come to having a wish, was having a promise. And it was Nozomi that gave that to me.
It was our last year of high school, and Nozomi was sick of it. Sick of her parents and things of the like. It was apparently really difficult for her at home, although she didn’t go into the details. To my knowledge, her parents didn’t hurt her physically or anything like that, but perhaps there was something invisible cutting at her. Something that only Nozomi and her parents would understand about their family.
“I wish my parents would just die,” Nozomi said one day. “Sometimes I really think things like that.”
It was random, and completely unlike her. As though the thought just spilled out of her. I didn’t know what had compelled her to say such a thing, but I wasn’t that shocked by it. Because I already knew what she wanted to happen.
“Hey…Kanae…?”
And before she said it, I was already assuming things. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, or why I don’t think before I do things.
I never saw Nozomi again after that. She had moved to America to live with her uncle. Her last living relative.
-
Maybe he was already too drunk that day, or maybe he was just more irritated than usual.
It was New Year’s Eve and stupidly cold. Still, we went and stood around the shrine, which had a small crowd of people ringing in the new year.
Hikaru was staring intently around at everyone and taking it all in. The loud music and sounds of people muttering blended together, sending chills down my body.
“It doesn’t have to be right now,” I had said to him, feeling frozen in place.
“If not now, then never,” Hikaru said. “There couldn’t be a more perfect timing for the world to end. If it was right now, I could die happy. I would have no problem going like this…”
Hikaru held the bomb in his right hand and then up to his chest, staring into the distance. His eyes were completely glazed over and empty. As though he had suddenly grown tired.
“Come on, Hikaru. Snap out of it.”
“What do you mean?” Hikaru said, looking over at me. “I’m feeling elated. I feel really clear headed. Like what I’m about to do has meaning, and that it was bound to happen all along. I feel like I’m finally seeing the pieces of a puzzle all fall together, and I can finally stand back and just look at it. I’m not afraid, are you?”
I wasn’t afraid. But there was a strange feeling in my stomach, and my jaw was clenched. Looking around at the group of people surrounding us, I started to notice all the scarves and hats they were wearing. Why didn’t I wear one? I thought. My nose and ears seemed to have gone completely numb. Still, I didn’t move.
“Let’s just go home,” I said. “It’s too cold for this.”
“You go. Just go and I’ll give you three minutes. But I can’t wait any longer.”
“Come on, Hikaru. Let’s go.”
“What’s wrong with you, huh?” Hikaru began to shout, making multiple heads turn in our direction. “What’s your problem? Isn’t this what you wanted too?”
I don’t know, I thought. But something isn’t right. Something…
“Why then,” Hikaru shouted. “Why? Why would you grant my wish like that in the first place then if you didn’t want me to do it, huh, Kanae? Why?”
His voice was so loud, I flinched at every word he said, and then suddenly, I was on top of him, tackling him to the ground. And over and over again I was hitting him with my fists. I didn’t know what adrenaline had kicked in, but it felt good. My fist didn’t hurt at all at the moment.
Finally, I had had enough. A crowd had probably formed around us, but I didn’t really notice. My ears were ringing too much, and my eyes were blurry. I stopped feeling so cold. Maybe this is what it’s like to be born, I thought. You feel warmth.
“I don’t want this,” I then said, holding him by the collar of his shirt. “If you want to die, then go ahead. But don’t drag me into it. Don’t drag anyone into it. Just leave us all alone. Just die, Hikaru. If that’s what you want so much. Die, you coward.”
Hikaru laid there, coughing. Looking at him, I realized just how weak I really was, and how he didn’t seem to have a scratch on him, even though I had felt like I had been hitting him as hard as I could and for a very long time.
“Hey,” Hikaru finally said. “Hey. That might be the first time you’ve ever told me you wanted something. Or, I guess, that you didn’t want something, haha. That’s really neat, Kanae. I’m proud of you. Thanks for telling me.”
It was definitely cold enough to snow. I was losing my heat more and more by the second.
“Kanae,” Hikaru then said, his eyes barely open. “I’m feeling kind of sleepy now, so can you just get this over with? You want to go home too, right? Just hurry and grant my wish, and we can all be done with this. You know what it is that I want now, right? So hurry, please. Hurry up and grant my wish. I’m not mad at you, but I understand if you don’t want to forgive me. Still, can you just do this for me? Just this last time…”
Nozomi, I thought then. Someday if I meet you again, surely the whole world will just explode at that moment, and all of our desires with it. Because my wish will finally come true, and you’ll have granted the one thing I’ve wanted all along.
Bang!
I won’t need anything more than that.
Nanami Fetter lives in Portland, Oregon. Her works have been featured in The Magazine, Pathos Literary Magazine, and Sapling.
