POETRY / Curse for “A list of things that are in my control” / Vanessa R. Bradley

Photo by KWON JUNHO on Unsplash

A list my grandmother has pinned to her wall 

Part I: How I take care of myself  

self-care prettiness on Pinterest doesn’t translate 
to forcing yourself out of bed at 3am  
tea instead of whisky   

I take care of my body  
by denying it.

Part II: My words 

vast and uncatchable 
stars in a sky with no moon, 
brighter than usual but  
far away 

Part III: My actions 

Attachment style is anxious avoidant  
He wants to try polyamory (say yes)  
When he comes home and slips under the sheets 
Odours of milk past its prime  
That funky kimchi in the fridge you haven’t thrown out 
Cold sticking to his beard  
wait in the car (engine off, hands numb) before  
coming inside, go for a walk when you  
seek betrayal

Part IV: How I handle my feelings 

my mother’s friends say I am so mature  
smart, polite, optimistic, always on time  
Older now, I know it is obedience they crave:  

Useless characteristics that do not serve  
when I am bubbling over  
milk on a hot stove  
scalded then burnt  
it’ll take ages to scrub it off  

Part V: Whether or not I follow the rules 

conformity sits in your body like a curse you learned  
in school—wait for the light to change at the crosswalk  
yearn for someone to call you a rebel even as you  
raise your hand and wait  
to be asked 

Part VI: How I treat others 

like I want to be treated  
kindness  
a listening ear 
a touch on the arm 
the offer of a cup of tea 
soon I have faded into wishes. 

Part VII: The amount of effort I put in 

is too much. 
Curse the part of you  
think of it like an organ  
small, slippery, indispensable 
hurts without warning 
that can’t stop trying. 

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Vanessa R. Bradley (she/her) loves fantasy novels but manages to write a lot of poetry about divorce and discovering queerness. She lives in Epekwitk (Prince Edward Island) with her wife, where she is working on a fantasy novel and a collection of poetry about the meaning of flowers. She has been published with the Farside Review, the Adriatic Mag, Tilted House, The Wild Word, Blank Spaces Magazine, and On Loan from the Cosmos. Find her on Instagram @v.r.bradley and on Twitter @vanessarbradley.