Photo by Sasha Freemind on Unsplash
Growing up
an impressionable mass (mess?) of opinions and dreams
lodged solidly between sisters with big breasts and big feelings,
my little breasts and smaller feelings
never seemed to measure up.
The second of three girls
practically identical in so many ways
all my accomplishments paling in comparison
to the sibling who accomplished them first;
my (invisible?) struggles hardly comparable
to those of the one who came after.
In a natural environment
of finite resources and conditional love
we battled for affection; for attention; for affirmation;
we battled for worth.
Neither the earliest nor the last,
I feel like I’ve been fighting (forever?) the longest.
Birth order dictated
which children would be the favorites
and the future played out accordingly;
until undiagnosed mental illness
neglected all this time
finally shined a light on a middle child
after a night of alcohol and (too many) pills.
Bad attention is still attention.
And now, nearly 40, I am once again 11
desperately seeking notice
starving for validation
as I am excluded from Christmas plans
and (deliberately?) neglected in group texts.
And now, nearly 40, I am still convinced
no one likes me best (they don’t)
and I am never enough (I’m not)
just like no one ever liked me best
and I was never enough.
Because who really cares about (Shannon) Jan Brady
when there are Marcias and Cindys around?
Shannon Frost Greenstein (she/her) resides in Philadelphia with her children and soulmate. She is the author of “These Are a Few of My Least Favorite Things”, a full-length book of poetry forthcoming in March from Really Serious Literature, and “An Oral History of One Day in Guyana,” a fiction chapbook due in 2022 with Sledgehammer Lit. Shannon is a former Ph.D. candidate in Continental Philosophy and a multi-time Pushcart Prize and BOTN nominee. Her work has appeared in McSweeney's Internet Tendency, Pithead Chapel, Bending Genres, and elsewhere. Follow Shannon on her website at shannonfrostgreenstein.com or on Twitter at @ShannonFrostGre.