While there are always more important things going on than what some streaming service is up to, I just can’t get around how impressively disappointing Paramount+ has been. For a service that offers thousands of hours of content, spread out across hubs like CBS, Nickelodeon, and Smithsonian, there sure isn’t a hell of a lot going on that’s worth a damn.

Of course, I’m bitching specifically about movies. For a name whose history stretches further back than most, the depth and number of movies available is pitiful on a level I didn’t anticipate. The selection is so pathetic, even a few months into its existence, I thought I was on Apple+.

Paramount+ is proof of just how deep this “content is king” nonsense is really running these days. Again, this is mostly movie centric, but a lot of their material seems to be based around the need to just exist. Quantity will definitely rule over quality, when you have virtually no idea what you are doing. Paramount+ emphasizes that in no uncertain terms. It’s just a lot of stuff.

And it’s not even very interesting stuff, for the most part. Did you want older movies from the Paramount library? For the most part, you can go fuck yourself. I don’t expect it to improve. 

I tend to use this space to harp on the same topics these days, but it’s hard when I think about movies at all not to get a little depressed about the fact that very, very slowly, we’re watching a few thousand films gradually disappear from mainstream circulation. 

Again, there are more important things going on in the world. I know that, but this column doesn’t.

Godzilla vs Kong (2021): B+

It is entirely possible that I’m just a weeb who thinks only Japan can tell compelling, or at least entertaining, human stories in their giant monster movies. 

I don’t know. What I do know is that while Legendary has clearly found the best western formula for fun kaiju movies, no one still seems to be able to bring all of the plot points and characters together in a way that doesn’t feel like everyone’s just killing time until the monsters arrive.

Because while yes, the kaiju brawls are ultimately what we’re here for, and the showdown between King Kong and Godzilla does indeed deliver an extremely satisfying watching experience, the human stuff is still kind of meh. 

I know. Who cares? But when this stuff makes up half or more of the movie, I prefer the proceedings to at least be memorable. Which they are for the most part in this case, with Millie Bobby Brown, Brian Tyree Henry, and Kaylee Hottle all keeping the scenes in which Godzilla and Kong are not fighting (the reasons for which are a little muddled) moving along at a fairly brisk, pleasing pace.

Godzilla vs Kong, despite the dismissiveness some have for its basic premise (“It’s just a monster movie”), still had to deliver entertainment on several levels. I would say it has. Regardless of what you expect from these films, I am very hard-pressed indeed to imagine you won’t have a good time. 

If you’re here for nothing more than Nuclear Lizard and Dump Truck Ass Monkey kicking the crap out of each other, with a few genuine surprises thrown in, you’re definitely going to have a good time.

Zack Snyder’s Justice League (2021): C-

How many ways can you prepare a shit sandwich?

Okay, okay, okay. That’s unkind. 

While I continue to actively dislike Snyder’s entire approach to the DC Universe, I cannot deny that some elements of his painfully long, likely-to-be-the-last word on this particular cinematic universe hit their marks.

With four full dreary hours at his disposal, Justice League does indeed benefit from deeper storytelling, better character development, and stronger chemistry among the heroes who must come together to stop a being known as Steppenwolf from obliterating the planet in the calling of a higher malevolent force. All of these things are true. Where it gets a little wonky is in the fact that this movie should not have to push my patience for four unrelenting hours, just to get to that point in the first place. 

If this Justice League was a Sundae, the ice cream would be obscured completely by an obscene number of peanuts.

Furthermore, even as the movie deepened by appreciation of Ben Affleck as Batman and Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman (despite the wildly uneven WW84, I’m looking forward to seeing her in the role again), as well as Ray Fisher as Cyborg (indeed, his story becomes the heart and soul of this film), we’re still talking about the same old Zack Snyder.

And what does that mean? Soulless monotony in much of the script, most of the visuals, and essentially the entire tone of the movie itself. If you thought Zack’s take on these heroes, particularly Superman, was bland and depressing already, this new cut of Justice League may in fact break you.

For me, it was an interesting experiment from my ongoing opinion that Snyder is a hack. I’m glad he got to make this movie the way he wanted to. I mean that. I’m even glad that it has fans. 

However, I’m also glad that this is likely to be the final word from Snyder on the DC universe. That relief is greater than any enjoyment the “Snyder Cut” will give me.

The Last Remake of Beau Geste (1977): C-

Although primarily known for his role in Young Frankenstein, Marty Feldman was extremely prolific in his lifetime. Beyond acting in several films and shows, he also contributed significantly as a writer to some of the funniest sketch pieces in British comedy history. Somewhere in all of that, he also found the time to direct. 

The results then, as well as now, are frustratingly uneven. The Last Remake of Beau Geste is a loose retelling of the 1920’s adventure novel Beau Geste. Twin brothers (Feldman and Michael York of Cabaret and Austin Powers fame) find themselves adventuring in the French Foreign Legion. Feldman keeps the premise loose because he clearly wanted to try every type of comedy in his repertoire.

A fair amount of it works, revealing the depths of talent possessed by one of the greatest British comedians of all time. In fact, the first 30 or so minutes of this movie offered some of the most hysterically funny madness I’ve seen recently. Feldman starts the movie at a remarkable pace.

It just doesn’t sustain, collapsing at about the halfway mark, and then limping along to the conclusion an uncomfortable 45-minutes later. It’s difficult to describe the good or bad points, although Ann-Margaret understanding exactly how this film works, giving a hilarious performance, is definitely one of the good points.

You’ll just have to see the movie for yourself. Unfortunately, that’s probably going to involve torrenting.

Willy’s Wonderland (2021): B+

Look, Snyder Cut fans. If it makes you feel any better that I didn’t particularly like the movie you bulled an entire studio into making, you can just go “Fuck this guy. He likes Nicolas Cage movies.”

Which is true. They are almost a genre unto themselves at this point. Willy’s Wonderland, in which a mute Nicolas Cage goes full-tilt John Wick on animatronic creatures possessed by the souls of condemned murderers, belongs to that genre of movies that really only make sense with Cage in them. 

He doesn’t have to go ballistic in all of them though. Cage’s range is singular, and it doesn’t work in everything (we’ve all learned that the hard way over the years), but it does create a spectrum in which he can work well in something as low-key as Joe, or something as completely batshit nuts as Mandy.

Willy’s Wonderland is somewhere in the middle. It’s a simple story with a strong supporting cast (particularly the forever-perfect Beth Grant), and it takes an interesting turn by keeping Cage completely silent for the film’s duration. It is something of a gamble in this is straightforward, small budget horror movie funhouse craziness at its very best, but it works out noticeably well. 

The trailer will tell you everything you need to know. Did you like it? Then you’re going to have a really good time here.

Sherman’s March (1986): A+

Since seeing this for the first time a couple of years ago, I’ve watched Sherman’s March a couple more times. The basic premise, a man making a documentary about General William Tecumseh Sherman's march through Georgia, as well as North and South Carolina, who suddenly shifts gears dramatically when his actual romantic relationship comes to a regrettable end, is an incredible one. It speaks to a unique aspect of our reality.

That aspect being that no matter what we may plan, the universe around us may or may not accommodate us. Most of us understand this on some level, but we rarely see the results so fascinatingly depicted as they are here. 

Once Ross McElwee, who made this film, sets out to figure out why certain aspects of his life lead to such profound frustration, the Sherman aspect simply becomes a bizarre backdrop. From a philosophical point of view, Sherman’s March takes one of the most unique diversions from its initial historical context that I have ever seen in my life.

Another film that continues to defy reasonable description, as well as any sort of expectations. This is a testament to the idea of possibility, and to the potential rewards for staying with something that suddenly starts to take on a completely different form. I can’t think of another documentary that functions as well in these areas as Sherman’s March.