My husband Fritz and I have started a tradition where, on Halloween night, we choose three bad horror movies to torture ourselves with*. We spend most of the month watching all the horror films we love, as one does, or discovering new films, but we reserve Halloween for the worst of the worst. Last year was the first year we did this (it’s a newer tradition!). I suggested Cradle of Fear (from Dani Filth, the mastermind from Cradle of Filth… good job buddy). We both agreed on Danzig’s Verotika, a movie we had delighted in hating several times before. Fritz, who has an expansive movie collection that consumes his entire being, suggested Shock ‘Em Dead, a movie neither of us had seen but looked promising from the cover art on the Vinegar Syndrome website.
I was pissed, because this movie was Good, Actually. I mean I'm glad it rules but it was not on theme. I didn't want to watch a good bad movie. I wanted to watch a bad bad movie. I loved this movie, and it infuriated me.
Three fucking people wrote Shock ‘Em Dead, and I am not sure why, but I’m grateful. It opens with some home footage of classic 80s Hollywood staples: the Capitol Records building on Vine, the Hollywood sign (natch), the Guitar Center on Sunset. Playing over this montage is the worst cover of “Purple Haze” you've ever heard in your life. So it's promising right from the start! I was hooked! Traci Lords is resplendent as the band, Spastique Kolon(!!)’s manager, determined to find the perfect guitar player to complete their ensemble (the lead singer is also incredibly flamboyant, which I don't think was on purpose. I am in love with him. His rendition of “I'm a Virgin Girl” is simply inspired).
Stephen Quadros plays Martin, a pimple faced pizza slinger (his boss is played by Aldo Ray!) who has dreams of being a rock superstar. Unfortunately, he fuckin sucks at the guitar. So what does he do? He does what any determined young rocker does and sells his soul to a local voodoo priestess— probably the only misstep in the movie— for the power of power metal! He's immediately transformed into a teased hair god (channelling Tom Sandoval) with a killer smoky eye and the most bodacious babe hangers- on you could ever dream of. But these girls aren't your everyday bimbos. They have also sold their souls, and inform Martin (now going by Angel) about the only downside of this devilish deal: he has to feed off human souls to survive.
Will he be able to overcome? Will he and Traci Lords have a love connection? Will he have a hot, chart- topping single? Will he ever stop puking on the tits of the gals in the front row? You’ll have to watch to find out.
Why do I love this movie? By all accounts it's dumb as fuck. But look: I'm a sucker for hair metal. Motley Crue is one of my favorite bands of all time. I'm always on the hunt for a “Too Fast For Love” shirt: I long to have Vince Neil’s ‘80s leathered crotch plastered across my chest. I wish I had been old enough to party with the best of ‘em. This movie hits all my spots: teased hair. Kohl liner, raw sexual energy, and crop tops on dudes. It’s just bonkers, and I love bonkers. This movie is worth your time if you are into horror, dark forces, and the seedy underbelly of the late 80s/ early 90s L.A. metal scene.
*This year we watched: Dante Tomaselli’s Horror (a bold thing to name such a sub par movie, imo- a movie so bad it’s not even stealable) and Demon Cop, a movie so terrible we ended up shutting it off. Not one actor could get through a line without flubbing it. I guess retakes weren't a thing for them? I know the point of it is to watch the worst movies we could possibly find, but even we have our limits. However, Scary Tales, also from Vinegar Syndrome, had a lot of charm, so I guess really our tradition is two terrible movies and one with a heart of gold.