Photo by Chris Leipelt on Unsplash
It was like waking from a dream of falling. For one moment, she felt the terrifying force of the crash; then the gentle hum under the airplane seats caught her and she was back.
“Scared of flying?” the woman on her right asked, flashing a motherly smile. She had ignored that question enough times it had become background noise, like the baby crying three rows back or the shuffling steps of the passengers in the aisle.
But she was tired now. Tired of making a scene, tired of being ignored, and tired of watching the same deaths over and over.
“This plane’s going to crash,” she said, leaning against the window. “And you’re going to die. Quickly, if it means anything.”
She had never bothered to look at the other woman in her row, even though she asked the same meaningless question every time. She was in her 40s or 50s, dressed in demure grays and browns, with a flowery scarf to really underline being utterly forgettable. But there was also a genuine kindness in her eyes. Even Chloe’s bleak pronouncement hadn’t turned her away at all.
Chloe cut a more striking figure. Her hair was tipped in green and the t-shirt she had happened to grab for the day was loud and angry. She was only 19 and had every reason to look in need of a mother. That was why she was flying in the first place. She hadn’t spoken to anyone about the resets. This woman was as good as anyone.
Besides, there were worse ways to spend a run than to comfort a kind stranger through her last moments.
“Sorry, what did you say?” the woman asked, delicately.
Chloe winced. “I’m sorry. I forget sometimes.”
“Forget what?”
“That the things I say matter. That people listen.”
“I’m listening,” the woman said, and smiled.
She couldn’t help smiling back. “In just a few seconds, someone behind us is gonna start yelling at the stewardess.”
The woman laughed. “Ha! Just like in one of those mov-“
“That’s bullshit!” a whiney voice came from behind them. “If the signal from one computer is gonna crash your plane, you should build better planes!”
“Gotta work on getting it down to the second,” Chloe muttered. “It’ll be more impressive that way.”
The woman’s eyes widened and her jaw tightened and untightened. “That wasn’t a trick, was it?”
She shook her head. “It wasn’t.” Remembering what that meant, she added, “I’m sorry.”
They sat silently as the flight attendant got the man under control. The others were going up the aisle, closing the overhead compartments.
“At least tell me he dies too,” she said, finally.
Chloe laughed. “Before you, I think. It all gets a little confused once the free fall starts.”
“Well, that’s something.” Her lips smirked, then went blank again. “Do you die?”
“I’m the only survivor.” She looked around. “I kept going for a day or so before coming back. I can do that sometimes.”
A robotic female voice came on the speaker. “We now request your full attention as the flight attendants demonstrate the safety features of this aircraft.”
“Hey, what’s your name?” Chloe asked.
“Shannon,” she answered. “I’m flying on to Washington for a funeral.” She paused. “At least that was the plan.”
“Nice to meet you. I’m Chloe.”
“What are you flying for?”
“Who even remembers anymore? No, I do. My partner. We broke up. I was flying home to get over home. Mission accomplished on that, at least.”
Shannon smiled again, but nervously. “And how long? Before… you know.”
“It’s just a few seconds after takeoff.”
“In the unlikely event of a water landing, your seat can be used as a flotation device,” the voice intoned, cheerily.
Shannon shook her head and gasped for breath. “I can’t do this.” She undid her seatbelt. “I don’t know if you’re for real, but I can’t. I’m sorry.”
A flight attendant approached. “Ma’am, can I help you?”
“Before you go, can I ask one thing?”
Shannon nodded. “What is it?”
“Give me something I can tell you. Something that will make you believe me. The next time it happens.”
“Ma’am, what’s the matter?” the attendant asked.
She thought for a second. “If everything you say is true… mention Julie. And George Eliot.”
With that, she turned and walked straight up the aisle, the flight attendant walking with her trying to reason her down.
Chloe raised the armrest that had been between them and stretched out.
Maybe that will break the loop. I needed to save one life besides my own. Shannon.
But she didn’t believe it.
Shannon stammered. “How do you know about her?”
“You told me. You said to mention her and George Eliot.”
She gulped. “George Eliot?”
“That’s what you said.”
She paused, trying to put all the pieces together. Finally, she nodded. “I believe you.”
Chloe laughed. “Really? You didn’t before.”
“I don’t have a better explanation. I might as well go with yours”
“Fair enough.” It didn’t seem like it should be that easy. She had expected to spend the whole time arguing with the woman, or at least most of it. Frankly, she didn’t have a plan for what to do with her. “Do you have any, you know, questions?”
“That’s bullshit!” the man’s voice came from behind them. He kept yelling as the flight attendant tried to calm him down.
“He’s gonna die too, right?”
Chloe smiled. “You did that joke last time too.”
“Don’t tell jokes to people who are repeating time. Got it.” She thought. “How long before the plane crashes?”
“A few seconds after takeoff.”
“Oh.”
“Last time when I told you that was when you got off the plane.” She shrugged. “It’s okay if you want to do that again. I couldn’t bring myself to sit through the crash. Not for the first few runs, anyway.”
“I don’t think so. I shouldn’t have done that in the first place. You need me.”
“Hey, I get it,” Chloe felt itchy and uncomfortable, like she was meant to say something, but didn’t know what. “Just so you know, I don’t really have a plan.”
“We can make one, if you want.”
“I guess.” She tried to imagine sharing everything she had experienced, the unique knowledge she had gathered with another human, even if it was only until the moment the plane fell. It didn’t seem real somehow, but then, neither did any of it. “It’s all pretty simple. We take off. Something’s wrong with the plane’s balance or maybe its equipment. The plane goes up too fast. Then it stalls, and then it crashes.”
“You certainly know your planes to have figured all of that out.”
She shook her head. “I didn’t just figure it out. It’s… more complicated than that.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t always reset when the accident happens. Usually I do. It’s easier that way. But I can hold it.”
“Hold it?”
“Delay. Make the reset not happen yet. Like keeping your fist clenched for as long as I decide to stay.”
“What’s the longest you’ve done it?”
“Six weeks. To read the report on the crash.”
The speakers dinged. “We now request your full attention as the flight attendants-“
“It sounds like just a warning would do it,” Shannon offered. “If they just knew not to go up so quick. But it’s not that simple, I assume.”
“It might be. But how do I get it to them? The doors are locked, and the flight attendants’ whole job is to not bother the captain. I’ve done everything from prophecies to tantrums. Sometimes I get forced to sit back down, sometimes I get kicked off the plane, but it never gets to the captain.”
“And then you reset?”
“What else could I do?”
“That’s certainly the question…”
The security presentation continued on, dry and robotic. Not much more time left.
“Is it always just you?” Shannon asked, finally.
Chloe shrugged. “Well, yeah. No one else remembers but me.”
“If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask one of our crewmembers. We wish you all an enjoyable flight.”
“It’s always easier to get one person to shut up than to listen to them,” Shannon sighed. “But wait, maybe that’s the secret! There’s two of us now! Maybe together we can convince them!”
The captain’s voice came over the speaker. It was tired and bored, just what you’d be afraid of in a situation like this one. “Hello, folks. We’re about to get started on this flight from Dulles International to Chicago Midway. Should be an uneventful flight, weather looks calm. We’re first in line so we should be taking off momentarily. Just sit back and enjoy the ride.”
“You really think it would make a difference?”
“I’ve had customer service jobs. You ignore anything from one person. Two means something.”
“It’s possible,” Chloe admitted. The idea felt strange to her. This was her burden, her responsibility. Even if another person could help, something told her they shouldn’t. “I guess it is possible.”
“Flight attendants, please prepare for take off,” the captain’s voice came one more time.
Chloe winced. “Dammit, there’s no time!”
“We’ll do it next time,” Shannon answered.
“But that means you’ll have to-”
“I know.”
Her hands gripped hard to the textured plastic of the airline seats. The airplane moved forward, slowly, towards the runway. No way to tell how close they were.
“You could still try to make a scene,” Chloe offered. “Get kicked off, maybe.”
Shannon shook her head. “I’ll see it through.”
Chloe looked her in the eyes. They were set. Her decision was made. “It won’t be the same for you as for me. I’ll live. You’ll…”
She couldn’t say it.
The humming raised in pitch, the power of the engines preparing for the big push, the one that would destroy them all.
“You need someone with you,” Shannon whispered.
And then, the plane shot forward.
Alice was already tired. She usually got through her stewardess trips in a dazed, half conscious state, her mind split between saying the right thing and literally anything that could distract her, but today was especially bad. The whole process of setting up the plane had been rushed, she was tired, and this wasn’t even her last flight of the day. Add another man having a temper tantrum about electronics, and she wasn’t ready to take much from the two women who had called her over.
“Good afternoon. Is there anything I can do to make your flight easier?”
“I need you to listen to what my friend has to say,” the older of the two began. “It’s okay if you don’t believe her, but you need to take her seriously. Lives depend on it.”
This was going to be one of the ones she complained to her friends about. “Yes, what is it?”
“This plane will crash if you don’t warn the captain that the engine will stall if he isn’t cautious. The plane’s cargo is unbalanced and something might be wrong with the instruments.”
The comment about the weight on the plane put her instantly on the defensive. She had agreed it wasn’t a problem when the head of the packing crew had mentioned it. She’d seen it done on other flights before. The idea that it would change anything, much less crash the aircraft was absurd.
“Ma’am, I assure you everything is perfectly safe. If you’d like to review the safety card in the-“
Shannon interrupted her. “You can’t ignore her and you can’t tell her to shut up. I won’t let you.”
“I’m sorry,” Chloe added. “But it’s a matter of life and death. Just warn the captain. It’s all we’re asking.”
She looked nervously up the aisle at the cockpit, then back. “I’m very sorry that you’re so nervous, but I assure you, the captain knows everything he needs to alread-“
“No,” Shannon cut her off again. “He doesn’t know this. Only she does.”
Time to be a little more assertive. “Look, I’m sorry you’re afraid of flying, but I can’t bother the captain for every unfounded worry. You’re going to need to calm down.”
“It’s not unfounded.” Chloe said.
“Can you tell me what makes you believe it?”
The two looked at each other, briefly, conferring, or maybe driving each other on.
“I’ve seen it happen,” Chloe answered, finally. “Not other planes. This one. It resets. The plane crashes and then I’m back here. Trying to warn you.”
“I know it sounds strange,” her older friend added. “But she’s telling the truth. And if you don’t believe her, right now, everyone here will die. Including you.”
Alice hesitated. She had no answer to this, and it was certainly tempting to dismiss anything she couldn’t answer as nothing. But she couldn’t fit it into any of her normal excuses. It didn’t make sense as a joke, a prank, an eccentricity, madness or even a con. If there was one thing her years of being a stewardess had taught her, it was to recognize every form that insincerity took. This wasn’t one of them; there was something real here, something, she thought, that maybe she ought to listen to.
“I don’t know,” she said, uncertain, but before she could say anything more, someone else joined the conversation.
“Look, you two,” the man sitting across the aisle from Shannon said. “She’s trying to be polite, and you’re walking all over her. I don’t know what nutso deja vu thing you’re on, but you don’t get to slow things down for the rest of us.”
“Yeah” the woman next to him agreed, and there were various murmurs from the other nearby passengers who had heard the conversation.
Alice immediately realized they were right. Her responsibility was to the whole plane, not just to these two. They needed to prove they had a reason to cause a disruption. She didn’t have to prove they didn’t.
“I’m very sorry. I can’t disrupt the cabin, but please let me know if there’s anything else I can do to help your stay.”
And she walked away before they could say anything else. It was final.
Chloe sat, her mind buzzing.
“Has it ever gone that way?” Shannon asked.
“No,” she answered. “It’s never been that close before. I see it.” “See what?”
“The way out.”
Shannon nodded. It was good that she was energized again, ready to try something. Energy was important.
Even if she knew Chloe didn’t understand the situation enough to solve it.
After saying the two names, Julie and George Eliot, Chloe had sat mostly silent as the passengers around them continued seating themselves. She was clearly exhausted.
“You don’t get physically tired,” she said, suddenly. “I mean, every time it resets my body feels just like the first time. But all these preparations I’ve making, all the crashes I’ve had to sit through for them… it takes something out of you.”
Shannon nodded. “I appreciate that you still told me about it. About what’s going on.”
“You’re different from the others,” she said. “I mean, you’re not the only one I’ve tried explaining these things to. But you seem to get it. In a way they don’t. It’s nice.”
“Have you ever asked me about it?”
“About what?”
“Why I understand you.” She paused. “What Julie and George Eliot mean.”
There was a ding. The safety presentation was beginning.
“You know I haven’t,” Chloe admitted. “I didn’t know if you wanted me to. And my eye was always on them, you know?”
“Do you want to hear?”
She smiled. “Yeah. I’d love that.”
Shannon considered. She didn’t want to tell her. That would be making it real, giving Chloe the power to judge her for it. And yet, if there was anyone she could trust with this story, she felt somehow sure, it was this strange girl who was even more caught on this plane than she was.
“Julie is my daughter. No, I should make myself say it. She was my daughter. I’m on this plane to attend her funeral.”
Chloe’s face dropped. “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“She wasn’t much older than you.”
Chloe smiled.
Shannon shook her head. “She was getting a degree in English studies. A poet, you know. A great one. The only thing she didn’t like reading was long novels.”
“George Eliot,” Chloe offered.
“She kept calling me. I knew she wasn’t doing well. She had lost a job and there were arguments with friends. And she just didn’t want to read Middlemarch by George Eliot. So I forced her to. Because I thought it was best for her.”
“We wish you all an enjoyable flight,” the speaker concluded.
“It sounds like the right choice,” said Chloe.
“It got her mad at me. It started turning into fights. And then she stopped calling. That was when she was really alone.”
“And something happened?”
Shannon said nothing, and Chloe understood.
“It wasn’t your fault.” She placed her hand on the arm rest between them.
The surge of emotion worked its way though Shannon. Her secret had been safe with her, just like she thought. She had been judged and favored.
The captain finished his announcement. Underneath them, the engines began to run higher.
“It’s not fair that I got the opportunity to redo things and you didn’t. But I’ll live up to it. Somehow.”
“That’s not where I was going,” Shannon said. “There’s something else you should know.”
But as Shannon was gathering her words, the plane was already rolling, heading into its final push.
Chloe had thought it merciful, or at least easier, not to mention how little time there was until the crash.
“This is it,” Chloe whispered, drawing Shannon’s attention back from the shouting behind them. “This is the last time.”
“How do you know?” she asked.
“Because I’ve been working on it. You helped me see it.”
“Helped you see what?”
“What the problem was. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. There’s just only one of me.”
“So what’s your plan?”
“Watch.”
She touched the button to summon the stewardess. Alice, just off of getting the man with the computer to shut up, took a single breath before walking over.
“Good afternoon,” she began pleasantly. “Is there anything I can do to make your flight easier?”
“Yes there is. But before I tell you what, let me first say, you’re worrying too much about Maliyah. She isn’t really mad at you.”
Alice blinked. The sharpness of her boss’s voice had been running through her mind the whole day,.
But she hadn’t told anyone about it.
Chloe stood up and leaned over the top of the next seats. “Your time with your Uncle Harold won’t fix your family but it will help you come to terms with it. You’re absolutely right that Green and Sons is making the world worse and you ought to quit. Are you interested in hearing a warning I think is very important?”
“I… um… yes,” the one in the business suit managed, while the other sat shocked.
“Are you interested? Chloe asked, turning to Shannon.
“Yes. I believe you entirely,” she said, mechanically. Chloe squeezed past her into the aisle. The stewardess stared at her in shock.
“Attention everyone!” she cried, in her most powerful stage voice. “The plane you’re sitting on has crashed a hundred times and I remember every single one. I’ve sat and talked to every one of you at least once and I know what every one of your deaths looks like. Who doesn’t believe me?”
“The hell are you talking about?” said a man in his 30’s, two seats up.
“You’re going to see the festival premiere of a movie a friend you definitely have a crush on directed. Who else?”
The look of puzzlement and shock on the man’s face alone silenced several voices. But there were just as many who were angered by what they assumed was a magic trick.
“You!” Chloe cried, picking one out. “You’re hanging out with your old college friends, Sharon and Rose! You’re moving in with your friend Luis after there was drama with your last roommates. You’re presenting at a Tech conference and you’re going to do fine. Who else?”
The plane was in chaos by this point, and the shouting of all the voices was drowning her out as she continued going through the names and things she had learned. Shannon could only sit and feel proud of what Chloe had done.
“Be quiet!” The man in the seat in front of them suddenly screamed, standing up, and the cries lowered to murmurs. “Does anyone object to hearing what she has to say?”
There was silence. Chloe nodded. “Something’s wrong with this plane. When it goes up, the engine will stall and we’ll crash. But we don’t have to. All I need is for her to warn the captain.” She turned to Alice, who had been motionless the entire time.
Alice waved her hands as if trying to evaporate the attention currently on her. “I don’t know if I should disturb the captain…”
But it was far too late for that. The plane erupted, accusations, laments and cries for order drowning out Chloe’s firm voice rattling off impossible information like a computer.
It didn’t take much insight to know the plane would never take off. Chloe had rocketed past the threshold that had held her back for so long. Fully half the plane believed her, at least enough to keep the chaos going.
Nearly an hour later, they were informed that the plane would be disembarking. About fifteen minutes after that, they had received all their apologies and been released, grumbling, back into the airport.
Shannon found Chloe, sitting on the ground, tucked almost out of sight behind a few columns.
She was crying.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, kneeling next to her, but she knew the answer well enough.
“I did it right this time!” Chloe said. “I did it! I saved them!”
“You did,” Shannon said. “You saved us all. All by yourself”
“Then how come it’s still happening?” she bawled. “How come I need to reset again?”
Shannon sighed. “I’m sorry. I should have warned you.”
“You knew?”
“I suspected.”
She shook her head. “But I saved them! What else was I supposed to do?”
“Let yourself reset. Don’t hold it. I’ll tell you on the plane.”
Chloe stared at her, eyes brimming with tears. Behind Shannon was a crowd of people from their airplane, people who’s lives she had saved. She knew all of them, or had at least had a conversation or two with them.
I’ve held it for six weeks, she thought. Why not hold it forever? Would that be so impossible?
“Just let go,” Shannon repeated. “I’ll explain it all.”
She had given them life. How could she take it away? All I have to do is hold it. It’s just like clenching a fist.
But even as she said it, she knew it was impossible. Sooner or later she’d forget or despair. She was weak. She was so weak.
Six weeks had nearly killed her, she remembered as the world faded away like a dream around her. She couldn’t do it forever. She just couldn’t.
The instant she awoke in the seat, she focused on Shannon, who was looking at her with a caring eye.
“Scared of fl-“
Chloe interrupted. “Why didn’t it work? I did it. Why am I still here?”
Shannon stared at her blankly. Chloe had seen total incomprehension on a lot of faces lately. Shannon’s face had always had something else. That was why she liked her. Seeing it on her face for the first time was a shock.
“The plane crashes,” she said. “It crashes, and I’ve been trapped in it ever since it first happened. There’s an urge to go back, to reset things and try again. Last time, I saved them. I stopped the plane and saved us all, but it didn’t work! The pulling just like every other time, and now I’m here again. How? What’s happening?”
Shannon shook her head. “I’m sorry. Maybe I don’t understand what you’re saying.”
She remembered what she had forgotten. “To prove we had talked before, you told me to mention Julie. And George Eliot.”
The confusion vanished. The look of compassionate understanding returned. For the first time, Chloe could see the motherly sadness behind it, the mourning of what she would have to suffer to learn the things Shannon already knew.
“I understand.”
Chloe felt the tears rising again. “What is it then? What did I do wrong?”
“Can I ask one question first?”
“What?”
“What happened to you the very first time through the crash? Before any of the resetting.”
“I survived. I was the only one who survived.”
“If you do not wish to perform the functions described in the event of an emergency, please ask a flight attendant to reseat you” the mechanical voice continued.
“And did you reset immediately? At the moment of the crash?”
“No… I first felt the pull maybe two or three days after? Still in the hospital, though. How did you know?”
Shannon paused before answering. She really didn’t want to say it. “Did I tell you about Julie and George Eliot?”
“You did, but…”
“That was a fresh wound. I could have given you a hundred meaningless anecdotes. But I told you that. I haven’t talked about that to anyone. I’d never talk about it to a stranger.”
The strange girl sat, rapt and silent. She really did look so much like Julie.
“You must have said something that made me understand it. The part you haven’t let yourself understand. That you’re the one sending yourself back here, resetting things. Because you blame yourself for what happened. The way I blamed myself for making Julie read George Eliot until she stopped calling.”
Chloe tried to believe what she was being told, but her whole mind rebelled.
“It’s not the same. Last time I did save them. So it was my fault the first time!”
She shook her head. “Could you have done what you did then the first time through?”
Chloe remembered the conversations, all the secrets she had memorized, rememorized, every time she’d run it though one more time just to be sure she had a secret for everyone, that nothing was forgotten.
No, she couldn’t have done that the first time through. Even the day in the hospital when she’d thought of everything she ought to have done, she hadn’t thought of that. She’d thought of a hundred plans that didn’t worked, but she hadn’t, couldn’t, think of that.
As she realized it, it was as if a heavy weight lifted off her chest.
“So if I’m doing it, does that mean I can stop?”
“It must.”
“But how? I’ve tried everything!”
“That was the part I didn’t want to believe. It was why I said nothing while you saved everyone. Because I wanted to believe there might still be a chance.”
Her voice broke and she took a moment to gather herself before continuing. “You’ll have to do the same thing I did. About Julie and George Eliot.”
She swallowed, forced herself to finally put the next part into words. “You have to accept what happened. Live with it and go forward.”
Chloe blinked. “But… you die.”
The plane began to roll forward, making its way towards the runway.
“I died the first time. Everything else has been replays.”
Chloe held her hand out and Shannon took it. She was right. Chloe knew she was right, and maybe part of her had suspected it all along. That feeling before resetting had never been a pulling. It was reaching.
Reaching for something she couldn’t hold.
It wasn’t just Shannon, she reminded herself, as she looked into her face. It was all of them. Every person on this plane, except her.
But Shannon was the one she would remember. The one who had brought her through all of it. And still, she couldn’t give her any more closure, anything better than this.
“I’m so sorry,” she said, as the engines hummed into life and the plane prepared for its final burst of speed.
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Shannon answered.
The plane took off.
When it was all over, when there was time to think and feel pain, Chloe felt herself pushing out towards the past again.
“No,” she said aloud, and lay back in her hospital bed.
The feeling faded. She laughed. She had battled with it for so long and that was all it took. Silly.
No, there was more than that. She had to make it okay somehow, make something of it.
That was a lot harder.
Lillie Franks is a trans author and teacher who lives in Chicago, Illinois with the best cats. You can read her work at places like Sword and Kettle Press, Poemeleon, and NonBinary Review. She loves anything that is not the way it should be.
