29 Real-Time Reactions to Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, in More or Less Chronological Order*

*with Jedi-strength spoilers

1. Zombie Palpatine is like, “Haha, look I cheated death,” but honestly if this is how cheating death turns out I’m probably gonna take a pass. He hangs out in this goth winch structure and there’s also a lot of ominous grey sculpture from the discount shelf at HomeGoods so I guess it’s a whole vibe. He’s nesting.

2. Meanwhile Rey’s gang lands on Pasaana and they’re all: “Hey kids, looks like we’re going to Burning Man! Woooooooo!!”

3. Aw, Rey got some bling from a Burning Man participant!

4. Man, this mystical FaceTime stuff with Rilo Kiley is annoying.

Kylo: “Where you at?”
Rey: “I’m nowhere, bitch!”
Kylo: “Bitch, I KNOW you went to Burning Man without me!”

5. Oh oop, Phyllo Dough just stole her Burning Man bling! He is PISSED she had a peak experience like that and didn’t invite him. Space FOMO: it’ll getcha every time.

6. Never underestimate a droid.

7. So if Rey can talk to snakes, does that make her Harry Potter?

8. This flying through the air to take a whack at Renlo Ken’s TIE fighter is pretty awesome. Cirque du Sol-Rey, amirite?

9. But just between you and me, I am teensy bit disturbed that Rey has killed (or thinks she has killed) two major side characters in the last ten minutes.

10. We are now on the planet Kijimi and if it looks cool to you, don’t get too attached to it. That’s all I’m saying. But what I want to know is, what the heck is a spice runner? Does nobody have a grocery store? Is this a Dune shout-out?

11. Why would you have a whole movie and never show Keri Russell’s entire face? Were they afraid all the Force in the galaxy would gravitate to her or something? Cuz . . . that’s a reasonable fear, actually. Okay, carry on.

12. Hux is the charter member of the “Anyone But Kylo Ren” party. Harsh, but I gotta respect it.

13. Sidebar: What is up with Kylo’s obsession with busted helmets? I guess it’s, like, space kintsugi? It’s his hobby. Everybody needs a relaxing hobby.

14. This scene with the ginormous waves is scary and I LOVE it.

15. They’re having a lightsaber fight on the Titanic, you guys. I love this movie so much.

16. Aw, ghost of Han! Hey Han! Are you here to explain to Ben that you are definitely not his biological dad because it seems like now might be a good time IDK.

17. This movie has a lot of McGuffins—freaky knives, evil navigating pyramids—and as I am a complete sucker for that sort of thing, I demand a scale reproduction of each immediately.

18. No, really: NEVER UNDERESTIMATE A DROID.

19. I’m a little annoyed that these movies act like there are only two major Force-wielding families.

20. We are now back on Exogen, Planet of Mood Lighting, and jaysus, that’s a lot of Sith! What do you call a group of Sith anyway? A plithora? A hoodie of Sith? Palpa-Teen and the Darthettes?

21. Subsequently a lot of things went boom and it made me very anxious, so I ate 1 (one) bag of popcorn and 1 (one) bag of Twizzlers and now I have regrets. Like Ben Solo, many regrets. I can never go home now. This is my life’s destiny, to haunt this Regal Cinema in North Carolina in my grey hoodie forever. Please send a vaguely menacing grey resin sculpture from the nearest HomeGoods.

22. Meanwhile back in the Sith Hall of Would A Little Natural Lighting Kill You People?, Palpatine is monologuing, as all villains are required to do. What the hell is a force dyad? Are we really naming new metaphysical ideas this late in the game?

23. Uh oh Rey is dead. She’s DEAD you guys! They kilt her and the sexist fanboys will probably turn off the movie at this point and pretend that’s the end.

24. Wait a minute are they killing this guy I don’t even like? Kylo Ben is now dissipating?? But I finally started to like him! I am wroth! Very wroth! It might turn me to the Dark Side!**

25. I have embraced my anger and my Sith name is Darth Piteous. My super-power is to wear a series of sad grey hoodies and whine a lot, while trolling the halls of HomeGoods. Don’t speak to me. HISSSSSSSS.

26. End credits note: frankly, BAD ROBOT takes on a whole new meaning now. NEVER UNDERESTIMATE A DROID.

27. Me and two equally middle-aged dudes stood around in the theater till the end of the credits. I think we were all irrationally hoping for a post-credits scene. If there was a post-credits scene it would be Carrie Fisher rolling up in a speeder and saying, “Get in losers, we’re going Jedi-ing.” I’m just gonna pretend this happened. My soul needs it.

28. I can’t believe it’s really over. I’m seriously sad.

29. But since Rey’s calling herself Skywalker, I hereby move that we are all Skywalkers now.

**I am actually upset they killed him and will only become more upset over the next week, thanks for asking.

Jeanne Obbard is a poetry reader for Drunk Monkeys whose work has appeared in Gingerbread House, Glass, andFive2One. She enjoys botanical gardens, long walks on the beach, and being contrary. She has a blog but has forgotten the password so it’s probably being used to disseminate Russian kompromat now. Safer to find her on Twitter where her very imaginative handle is @JeanneObbard.